1. Front Row
I know heīs blood but you can still turn him away
You donīt owe him anything
Do you go to the dungeon?
To find out how to make pe-eace
With your days in the dungeon
Writing a letter to ya
Didnīt make me feel anymore peaceful
Than how I felt when we werenīt speaking
Because I didnīt cop to what I did
I canīt love you
īCause were supposed to have professional boundaries
Iīd like you to be schooled and in awe
As though you were kissed by God full on the lips
Iīm in the front row
The front row
With popcorn
I get to see you
See you
Close up
Iīm too tired to recount the unpleasantries one by one minute
I want to banish you the next I want to be on a deserted island
with you along with my three favourite CDīs ambivalent yet in
your bed weīve yet to acknowledge what really happe-ened.
Slid into the ditch
I have this overwhelming
Loss of ambition we said letīs name
Thirty good reasons
Why we shouldnīt be together
I started by saying things like
"You smoke" "You live in New Jersey"
You started saying things like "You belong to the world"
All of which couldīve been easily refuted
But the conversation was
Hypothetical I am totally short of breath
For you why canīt you shut your stuff off?
Iīm in the front row
The front row
With popcorn
I get to see you
See you
Close u-up
And I laughed until my lungs hurt I love how you bust my chops
you donīt always feel seen sometimes you feel erasable unfortunately
I cannot reciprocate in my current state I think we should be careful
of how much time we spend together
For a while Iīm speaking
You know how much you hate to be interrupted
Maybe spend some time alone
Fill up your proverbial cup so
That it doesnīt always have to be about you
Iīve been wanting your undivided attention
I like the fact that youīre nothing like me
Are you not burdened by the lack of
Perspective people have of your charmed life
Seemingly
Iīm in the front row
The front row
With popcorn
I get to see you
See you
Close up
You never meant to be ungrateful nor held up to be whipped or wept
for certainly not analysed prodded at more ways than one apparently
youīve been misrepresented dealing with the concept of arrows being
slung towards your outrageous fortune.
Hey Iīm not mad at you guardian
Iīm mad at myself for spending so much time with you
And your Jekyll and Hydeness
Iīm glad I figuratively slapped you on the wrist
You laughed a wicked laugh
And said "Come here let me clip your wings"
I know heīs blood but you can still turn him away
You donīt owe him anyhting
"Raise the roof" he yelled
"Yeah raise the roof" I yelled back
Unfortunately you needed a health scare to reprioritize
No thanks to the soap box
Having me rile
Against them wonīt make an ounce of difference
Iīm in the front row
The front row
With popcorn
I get to see you
See you-ou
Close up
Oh the things Iīve done for you many a sitch a friends a manīs been
left for you oh the books Iīve read for you the tongues Iīve bitten
for you many a new city for you many a risk taken for you (not a single regret)
2. Baba
Iīve seen them kneel with baited breath for the ritual
Iīve watched this experience raise them to pseudo higher levels
Iīve watched them leave their families in pursuit of your Nirvana
Iīve seen them coming to line up from Switzerland and America
How long will this take Baba?
How long have we been sleeping?
Do you see me hanging on to
Evīry word you say
How soon will I be holy?
How much will this cost guru?
How much longer ītil you completely absolve me
Iīve seen them give their drugs up in place of makeshift altars
Iīve heard them chanting "kali kali" frantically
Iīve heard them rotely repeat your teachings with elitism
Iīve seen them boasting robes and foreign sandalwood beads
How long will this take Baba?
How long have we been sleeping?
Do you see me hanging on to
Evīry word you say
How soon will I be holy?
How much will this cost guru?
How much longer ītil you
Completely absolve me
Iīve seen them overlooking God in their own essence
Iīve seen their upward glances in hopes of instant salvation
Iīve seen their righteousness mixed without Loving compassion
Iīve watched you smile as the students bow to kiss your feet
How long will this take Baba?
How long have we been sleeping?
Do you see me hanging on to
Evīry word you say
How soon will I be holy?
How much will this cost guru?
How much longer ītil you
Completely absolve me
Give me strength all knowing one
How long ītil enlightenment?
How much longer ītil you completely absolve me
Ave maria
Ave maria
Ave maria
Ave maria
Ave maria
Ave maria
3. Thank U
How ībout getting off oī these antibiotics
How ībout stopping eating when Iīm full up
How ībout them transparent dangling carrots
How ībout that ever elusive kudo
Thank you India
Thank you terror
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you frailty
Thank you consequence
Thank you, thank you silence
How ībout me not blaming you for everything
How ībout me enjoying the moment for once
How ībout how good it feels to finally forgive you
How ībout grieving it all one at a time
Thank you India
Thank you terror
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you frailty
Thank you consequence
Thank you, thank you silence
The moment I let go of it
Was the moment I got more than I could handle
The moment that I jumped off of it
Was the moment that I touched down
How ībout no longer being masochistic
How ībout remembering your divinity
How ībout unabashedly bawling your eyes out
How ībout not equating death with stopping
Thank you India
Thank you Providence
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you nothingness
Thank you clarity
Thank you, thank you silence
4. Are You Still Mad
Are you still mad I kicked you, out of bed?
Are you still mad I gave you, ultimatums?
Are you still mad I compared you, to all
My forty year old male friends?
Are you still mad I shared our problems
With everybody?
Are you still mad I had an emotional, affair?
Are you still mad I tried taī, mold you into
Who I wanted you to be?
Are you still mad I didnīt trust your intentions?
Of course you are
Of course you are
Of course you are
Of course you are
Of course you are
Of course you are
Are you still mad that I, flirted wildly?
Are you still mad I had a, tendency to mother you?
Are you still mad that I had one, foot out the door?
Are you still mad that we slept, together even after
We had ended it?
Of course you are
Of course you are
Of course you are
Of course you are
Of course you are
Of course you are
Are you still mad I wore the pants most of the time?
Are you still mad that I seemed to focus
Only on your potential?
Are you still mad that I threw in the, the towel?
And are ya
Are you still mad that I gave up long before you did?
Of course you are
Of course you are
Of course you are
Of course you are
Of course you are
Of course you are
5. Sympathetic Character
I was afraid youīd hit me if Iīd spoken up
I was afraid of your physical strength
I was afraid youīd hit me below the belt
I was afraid of your sucker punch
I was afraid of your reducing me
I was afraid of your alcohol breath
I was afraid of your complete disregard for me
I was afraid of your temper
I was afraid of handles being flown off of
I was afraid of holes being punched into walls
I was afraid of your testosterone
I have as much rage as you have
I have as much pain as you do
Iīve lived as much hell as you have
And Iīve kept mine bubbling under for you
You were my best friend
You were my lover
You were my mentor
You were my brother
You were my partner
You were my teacher
You were my very own sympathetic character
I was afraid of verbal daggers
I was afraid of the calm before the storm
I was afraid for my own bones
I was afraid of your seduction
I was afraid of your coersion
I was afraid of your rejection
I was afraid of your intimidation
I was afraid of your punishment
I was afraid of your icy silences
I was afraid of your volume
I was afraid of your manipulation
I was afraid of explosions
I have as much rage as you have
I have as much pain as you do
Iīve lived as much hell as you have
And Iīve kept mine bubbling under for you
You were my best friend
You were my lover
You were my mentor
You were my brother
You were my partner
You were my teacher
You were my very own sympathetic character
You were my keeper
You were my anchor
You were my family
You were my saviour
And therein lay the issue
And therein lay the problem
And therein lay the issue
And therein lay the problem
6. That I would Be Good
That I would be good even if I did nothing
That I would be good even if I got the thumbs down
That I would be good if I got and stayed sick
That I would be good even if I gained ten pounds
That I would be fine even if I went bankrupt
That I would be good if I lost my hair and my youth
That I would be great if I was no longer queen
That I would be grand if I was not all knowing
That I would be loved even when I numb myself
That I would be good even when I am overwhelmed
That I would be loved even when I was fuming
That I would be good even if I was clingy
That I would be good even if I lost sanity
That I would be good
Whether with or without you
Even when I numb myself
That I would be good even when I am overwhelmed
That I would be loved
7. The Couch
You hadnīt seen your father in such a long time
He died int he arms of his lover how dare he
You mother never left the house
She never married anyone else you took it upon yourself to console her
You reminded her so much of your father
So you were banished and you wonder why youīre so hypersensitive
And why you canīt trust anyone but us
But then how can I begin to forgive her so many years under bridges with dirty water
She was foolish and selfish and cowardly if you ask me
I donīt know where to begin in all of my 50 odd years
I have been silently suffering and adapting perpetuating and enduring
Who are you younger generation to tell me that I have unresolved problems
Not many examples of fruits of this type of excruciating labour
How can you just throw words around like grieve and heal and mourn
I feel fine we may not have been born as awake as you were
It was much harder in those days we had paper routes uphill both ways
We went from school to a job to a wife to instant parenthood
I walked into his office I felt so self-conscious on the couch
He was sitting down across from me he was writing down his hypothesis I donīt know
Iīve got a loving supportive wife who doesnīt know how involved she should get
You say his interjecting was him just calling me on my shit?
Just the other day my sweet daughter I was driving past 203
I walked up the stairs in my mindīs eye
I remember how they would creak loudly
She was only responsive with a drink he was only responsive by photo
I was only trying to be the best big brother I could
Iīve walked sometimes confused sometimes ready to crack open wide
Sometimes indignant sometimes raw
Can you imagine I pay him 75 dollars an hour sometimes
It feels like highway robbery
And sometimes itīs peanuts
I wish it could last a couple more hours
So here we are both are battling similar demons (not coincidentally)
You see in getting beyond knowing it solely intellectually
Youīre not relinquishing your majestry
You are wise, you are warm, you are courageous, you are big
And I love you more now than I ever have in my whole life
8. Canīt Not
Iīd be lying if I said I was completely unscathed
I might be proving you right with my silence or my retaliation
Would I be letting you win in my nonreaction, yeah?
How would I explain?
And how would I explain this to my children if I had them?
Because I canīt not
Because I canīt not
Because I canīt afford to be misread one more time
Would I be whining if I said I needed a hug?
Would you feel slighted if I said your loveīs not enough?
And how can I complain?
And how can I complain when Iīm the one who reaches for it?
Because I canīt not
Because I canīt not
Because I cannot walk without my crutche
Because I canīt not
Because I canīt not
Because I canīt help wonder why you ask me
To all the unheard wisdom in the schoolyard.
You think youīre the right ones
You think youīre the charmed ones, Iīm sure
And how can you go on with such conviction?
And who do you think you, are why do you question me?
Because we canīt not
Because we canīt not
Because we canīt help laugh at underestimations
Because we canīt not
Because we canīt not
Because we canīt afford to be misled one more time.
Because we canīt not
Because we canīt not
Because we cannot help without your willingness
Ah oh oh oh la da dye la da dye la da dye ay ay oh
la da da ah ah la da da da yeah yeah yeah
Why do you affect me?
Why do you affect me still?
Why do you hinder me?
Why do you hinder me still?
Why do you unnerve me?
Why do you unnerve me still?
Why do you trigger me?
Why do you trigger me still?
9. UR
urn the books
Theyīve got too many
Names and psychoses
All this incriminating evidence
Would surely haunt me
If someone broke into my house
Suits in the living room
Do you realise guys
I was born in 1974
Weīve got someone here to
Explain your publishing
You know how much you love to be
In front of audiences
Hopeful
You are
Schoolbound
You are
Naive
You are
Driven
You are
Take a trip to New York
And your guardian and your fake identification
When they say "Is there something
Anything youīd like to know
Young lady?" you say "Yes Iīd like to know
What kind of people Iīll be dealing with"
Precocious
You are
Headstrong
You are
Terrified
You are
Ahead of your time
You are
Donīt mind our staring
But weīre surprised your not in
In a far-gone asylum weīre surprised you didnīt
Crack up Lord knows that we wouldīve
We would have liked to have been there
But you keep pushing us away
Resilient
You are
Big time
You are
Ruthless
You are
Precious
You are
10. I Was Hoping
As we were talking outside it was cold
And we were shivering yet warmed by the subject matter
My wife is in the next room weīve been having troubles you know
Please donīt tell her or anyone but I need to talk to somebody
You said "Wouldnīt it be a shame if I knew how great I was
Five minutes before I died, Iīd be filled with such regret
Before I took my last breath" and I said
"Youīre willing to tell me this now and youīre not going to die any time soon"
And I said I havenīt been eating chicken or meat or anything and you said yes
But youīve been wearing leather
And laughed and said weīre at the top of the food chain
And yes youīre still a fine woman and I cringed
I was hoping, I was hoping we could heal each other
I was hoping, I was hoping we could be raw together
We left the restaurant where the head waiter (in his 60īs) said
"Good-bye sir thank you for your business sir
Youīre succesful and established sir
And we like the frequency with which you dine here sir
And your money"
And when I walked by they said "Thank you too dear"
I was all pigtails and cords
And there was a day when I wouldīve said something like
"Hey dude I could buy and sell this place so kiss it"
I too once thought I was owed something
I was hoping, I was hoping we could challenge each other
I was hoping, I was hoping we could crack each other up
I too thought that when proved wrong I lost somehow
And I too once life was cruel
Itīs a cycle really you think Iīm withdrawing and guilt tripping you
I think youīre insensitive and I donīt feel heard
And I said do you believe we are
Fundamentally judgmental?
Fundamentally evil?
And you said yes
I said I donīt believe in revenge
In right or wrong or bad you said
"Well what about the man that I saw handcuffed
In the emergency room bleeding after beating his kid
And she threw a show at his head.
And I think what he did was wrong
And I wouldīve had a hard time feeling compassion for him"
I had to watch my tone for fear of having you feel judged
I was hoping, I was hoping we could dance together
I was hoping, I was hoping we could be creamy togethe
11. One
I am the biggest hypocrite
Been undeniably jealous
I have been loud and pretentious
I have been utterly threatened
Iīve gotten candy for my self-interest
The sexy treadmill capitalist
Heaven forbid I be criticised
Heaven forbid I be ignored
I have abused my power forgive me
You mean we actually are all one
One, one, one, one, one, one, one
Iīve been out of reach and separatist
Heaven forbid average whatever average means
I have compensated for my days of powerlessness
I have abused my so-called power, forgive me
You mean we actually are all one
One, one, one, one, one, one, one
Did you just call her amazing?
Surely we both canīt be amazing!
And give up my hard earned status
As fabulous freak of nature?
I have abused my power, forgive me
You mean we actually are all one
One one ba da da da da one one wa ha ha ha one oone one
One one one one one one one
Always looked good on paper
Sounded good in theory
Always looked good on paper
Sounded good in theory
12. Would Not Come
If I make a lot of tinsel then people will want to
If I am hardened no fear of further abandonment
If I am famous then maybe Iīll feel good in this skin
If I am cultured my words will somehow garner respect
I would throw a party still it would not come
I would bije run swim and still it would not come
Iīd go travelling and still it would not come
I would starve myself and still it would not come
If Iīm masculine, I will be taken more seriously
If I take a break it would make me irresponsible
If Iīm elusive I will surely be sought after often
If I need assistance then I must be incapable
Iīd be filthy rich and still it would not come
I would seduce them and still it would not come
I would drink vodka and still it would not come
Iīd have an orgasm still it wouldnīt come
If I accumulate knowledge, Iīll be inpenetrable
If I am aloof no one will know when they strike a nerve
If I keep my mouth shut the boat will not have to be rocked
If I am vulnerable I will be trampled upon
I would go shopping and still it would not come
Iīd leave the country and still it would not come
I would scream and rebel and still it would not come
I would stuff my face and still it would not come
Iīd be productive and still it would not come
Iīd be celebrated and still it would not come
Iīd be the hero and still it would not come
Iīd renunciate and still it would not come
13. Unsent
Dear Matthew.
I like you a lot
I realize youīre in a relationship with someone right now and I respect that
I would like you to know that if youīre ever single in the future
And you want to come visit me in California
I would be open to spending time with you
Ad finding out how old you were when you wrote your first song
Dear Jonathan.
I liked you too much
I used to be attracted to boys who would lie to me
And think solely about themselves
And you were plenty self-destructive for my taste at the time
I used to say the more tragic the better
The truth is whenever I think of the early 90īs
Your face comes up with a vengeance like it was yesterday
Dear Terrance.
I love you muchly
Youīve been nothing but open hearted and emotionally available
And supportive and nurturing and consummately there for me
I kept drawing you in and pushing you away
I remember how beautiful it was to fall asleep on your couch
And cry in front of you for the first time
You were the best platform from which to jump beyond myself
What was wrong with me
Dear Marcus.
You rocked my world
You had a charismatic way about you with the women
And you got me seriously thinking about spirituality
And you wouldnīt let me get away with kicking my own ass
But I could never really feel relaxed and looked out for around you though
And that stopped us from going any furter than we did
And itīs kinda too bad because we couldīve had much more fun
Dear Lou.
We learned so much
I realise we wonīt be able to talk for some time
And I understand that as I do you the long distance thing was the hardest
And we did as well as we could
We were together during a very tumultuous time in our lives
I will always have your back and be curious about you
About your career, your whereabouts
14. So Pure
You from New York
You are so relevant
You reduce me to cosmic tears
Luminous more so than
Most anyone
Unapologetically alive
Knot in my stomach and
Lump in my throat
I love you when you dance
When you free-style in trance
So pure, such an expression
Love you when you dance
When you free-style in trance
So pure, such an expression
Supposed former infatuation junkie
I sink three pointers and you wax poetically
I love you when you dance
When you free-style in trance
So pure such an expression
Love you when you dance
When you free-style in trance
So pure such an expression
Letīs grease the wheel over tea
Letīs discuss things in confidence
Letīs be outspoken
Letīs be ridiculous
Letīs solve the worldīs problems
I love you when you dance
When you free-style in trance
So pure, such an expression
I love you when you dance
When you free-style in trance
So pure, such an expression
So pure
15. Joining You
Dear Dar, your mom, my friend, left a message on my machine she was frantic
Saying you were talking crazy that you wanted to do away with yourself
I guess she thought Iīd be a perfect resort
Because weīve had this inexplicable connection since our youth
And yes, theyīre in shock, they are panicked you and your chronic them and their drama
You this embarassment us in the middle of this delusion
If we were our bodies
If we were our future
If we were our defenses Iīd be joining you
If we were our culture
If we were our leaders
If we were our denials Iīd be joining you
I remember vividly a day years ago
We were camping you knew more than you thought you should know
You said "I donīt want ever to be brainwashed"
And you were mindboggling, you were intense
You were uncomfortable in your own skin
You were thirsty but mostly you were beautiful
If we were our nametags
If we were our rejections
If we were outcomes Iīd be joining you
If we were our indignities
If we were our successes
If we were our emotions Iīd be joining you
You and I were like 4 year olds
We want to know why and how come about everything
We want to reveal ourselves at will and speak our minds
And never talk small and be intuitive
And question mightily and find God my tortured beacon
We need to find like-minded companions
If we were our condemnations
If we were our projections
If we were our paranoias Iīd be joining you
If we were our incomes
If we were our obsessions
If we were our afflictions Iīd be joining you
We need reflection
We need a really good memory
Feel free to call me a little more often
16. Heart Of The House
You are the original template
You are the original exemplary
How seen were you actually?
How revered were you honestly at the time?
Why pleased with your low maintenance?
You loved us more than we couldīve loved you back
Where was your ally, your partner in feminine crime?
Oh mother, whoīs your buddy?
Oh mother, whoīs got your back?
The heart of the house
The heart of the house
All hail the goddess!
You were "Good olī"
You were "Count on īer ītil four am"
You saw me run from the house
In the snow melodramatically
Oh mother, whoīs your sister?
Oh mother, whoīs your friend?
The heart of the house
The heart of the house
All hail the goddess!
We left the men and we went for a walk in the gatineaus
And talked like women, like women to women would
Women to women would "Where did you get that from?
Mustīve been your father your dad"
I got it from you I got it from you
Do you see yourself in my gypsy garage sale ways?
In my fits of laughter?
In my tinkerbell tendencies?
In my lack of colour cooordination?
17. Your Congratulations
I wouldnīt have compromised as much
So much of myself for fear of having you hating me
I wouldīve sung so loudly
It wouldīve cracked myself
I became self-conscious
Of anything exuberant
I wouldnīt have sold myself short
I wouldnīt have kept my eyes glued to the ground
If I hadīve known my invisibility
Would not have made a difference
I wouldīve run around screaming proudly
At the top of my voice
I wouldnīt have said it was in fact luck
Iīm talking idealism here
I would not have been so self deprecating
I wouldnīt have cowered
For fear of having my eyes scratched out!
I wouldnīt have cut my comfort off
I wouldnīt have feigned needlessness
I would not have discredited
Every one of their compliments
It was your approval I wanted
Your congratulations
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